Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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