WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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