apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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