Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
