Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
