I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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