I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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