i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
