My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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