everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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