It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
