my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
