You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
