By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
