im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
