Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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