I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
