i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
