He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
