literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
