suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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