mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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