Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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