i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
