dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
