You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
