Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
