You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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