My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
