throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
