u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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