hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Mom said you looked used
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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