Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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