i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
