Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
