Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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