I wish I could teleport
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
