I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
