I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
