You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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