Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
