I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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