That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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