Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
