i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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