I wish I could punch you in the face.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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