I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
