I am midnight drunk by noon
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
