my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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