I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
