A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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